It’s because taking an oath involves touching a bible, and he cannot safely do so without incurring second- or third-degree burns.

Bush, the devout Christian, understands this. And with his well-documented penchant for compassion and empathy, he simply refuses to put another human being in harm’s way to serve his purposes.

The press reports that Bush’s “compromise” would involve Rove speaking off the record to the Congressional committee. But that’s just the broad strokes.

In reality, the president’s compromise spells out in specific language, just how far away from a bible Rove must be at any given time, as well as what kind of protective clothing he is to be given, how often the word “bible” can be used in his presence, and what protocols should be followed if he happens to see a quote from the bible on his way into or out of the building. It’s more or less a Bible Restraining Order.

It’s not that the president doesn’t want the truth to come out, it’s just an extraordinary picture of how far President Bush is willing to go to keep another American safe.

And these kinds of precautions are not new to the Bush Administration. For example, it was widely reported that former Attorney General John Ashcroft held daily prayer meetings at the DOJ. But what’s not well known is that for these prayer meetings, the bible had to literally be teleconferenced in from a safe location. Ashcroft himself couldn’t look at the screen. But an intern from Bob Jones University would look at the screen and then paraphrase the relevant passages. It took a tremendous amount of coordination and expense. But no one disputes it was worth it.

And of course, the biggest hero in all this is Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush has begged him to take precautions against Bible Burns. But this brave man’s man strolls into the White House each and every day, wearing no Haz-Mat suit, no asbestos gloves, no welder’s helmet or anything. The press will tell you about his “heart condition,” but the truth is, Dick Cheney is being slowly burned alive from the inside by the bible across the hall in the Oval Office. An extraordinary sacrifice.

This is not a joke, just something that fell into my lap I must share. As far as I know it is a real, actual memo written by Howard Hughes at what appears to be the height of his OCD. Click on the memo to see the pdf. Here is the text:

OPERATING MEMORANDUM

Subject: Proper operating procedure for Bungalow 1 C Date October 13, 1958

There are certain areas within the Bungalow 1 C area that have been set aside by Johnny Holmes for the storage of my personal things. There are also other areas that have been set aside for future use by Johnny and his people. These designated areas, which Johnny will mark clearly or designate verbally to all concerned, should be avoided by everyone outside of Johnny’s area of operation. I do not want anybody, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, to touch these areas or go anywhere near them. I do not want anyone to touch the telephone that Johnny uses, nor any of his equipment that he has put away in storage in the Bungalow or any of my things there, or anything connected with my things.

It is extremely important to me that nobody ever, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter what pressures are put on, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, or any other area which is either used by Johnny or indicated by Johnny to be reserved by him for my things in connection with my food operation or any other phase of my operation that Johnny takes care of. I want to make sure that nobody opens any doors to any rooms, closets, cabinets, drawers or in any way, touches any portion of these areas.

I say again, no matter how strong the emergency may be, no matter how extreme the emergency may be, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, no matter how extreme the emergency, it is extremely important to me that nobody – nobody ever, ever goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, bathroom, which is either used by Johnny or indicated by Johnny to be reserved for him, or which is used to store any of the things used in connection with my food, magazines or anything that is used for me.

I say once more, no matter, no matter what the emergency, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances, it is extremely important to me; I say once more, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, no matter what may have arisen, it is extremely important to me that nobody ever goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, bathroom or any other area used to store any of the things which are for me – either food, equipment, magazines, paper supplies, Kleenex – no matter what. And, it is also extremely important to me that no matter what the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances, no matter what may have come up, no matter what kind of emergency, it is also equally important to me that nobody ever goes into any room or bathroom or any other area which Johnny has indicated is to be reserved to him only, and it is also equally important that nobody ever touches my telephone or piece of furniture or any fixture or anything of that kind which Johnny has indicated is reserved for him.

Instructions should be given for the operators so that they are not allowed to put calls through there into Johnny’s telephone – which is Bung. I C – so that nobody calls there. Sometimes it rings and the third man has to stall around getting through to the operator to have it switched. Something should be done so the other phone is the one that rings – do you have that kind of deal? I don’t want the third man using that phone, and when it rings it’s a temptation for him to pick it up.

I want you to get the third man on the phone and give him all these Instructions and be awfully, awfully sure when you are talking to him, be sure, be certain, be absolutely positive when you are talking to your third man today or any other time, be sure that he is not using Johnny’s phone, that he is not in a room reserved for Johnny and that he is not in a room used to store any of my things. This is awfully, awfully important to me. I want you to be sure, awfully sure, be certain, be positive that nobody goes into any room or cabinet or closet that is used to store any things in connection with my operation. This is equally important to me – it is equally important to me that nobody ever opens any door or opening to any room, cabinet or closet or anything used to store any of my things, even for one-thousandth of an inch for one-thousandth of a second. This applies even when he does not go in, you understand, even if the man does not enter, it is equally important to me that nobody ever opens the door or the drawer even for a fraction of an inch for a fraction of a second – any drawer, closet, or room, you understand – that is used to store any of my things, whether they be stored or just sitting there, because I don’t want the possibility of dust or insects or anything of that nature entering. I want every thing I have indicated here to be followed to the letter.

I want everything I have said here to be clearly gone over, reviewed, and repeated to everyone concerned. Maybe it ought to be written up – typewritten – and given to the men out in Bungalow 1 C. In fact, I think it not only should be written up and handed to them, but they should commit it to memory and repeat it back to you (Kay) so that you are convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have it down thoroughly.

Until further orders from me, I want nobody ever to set foot in that Bungalow (1 C) or any of those rooms we have anywhere near the Bungalow excepting only Johnny Holmes, and the two waiters – Karl and Charlie – and the number three men and Harvey. This instruction includes Roy, Harris and George.

God, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but should I torture her?

At this point, I don’t even know if I can legally tell you why I suspect her. I mean, if I’m right about this, and she is in cahoots with the bad guys, I certainly don’t want to give them my “playbook,” so to speak.

I guess what I’ll tell you is there has been a lot of “chatter.” She has recently learned the word “dirty,” and she has been saying it all morning. She pronounces it with a strange accent which I can’t quite place. But her name is Eliana, which sounds Middle-Eastern to me.

So that’s kind of where we stand with this. Part of me thinks I have no choice. I have to torture her, right?

Or is that crazy? I mean, yes, of course it’s crazy. She is an American citizen, guaranteed certain protections and freedoms under the Constitution. But in a way, didn’t she give up those rights the moment she sided with those godless savages who want to destroy us?

God, this is not an easy one. Even now, I can hear some of you thinking, “But Andy, what if you’re wrong?” And believe me, no one wants that more than I do. But for the love of God, man, what if I’m RIGHT?

Do you want to explain to the tens of thousands of dead and wounded that, yes, we had the baby in our custody, and yes, she knew about the bomb, but no, we didn’t use EVERY TOOL available to get the information from her? Have you ever seen a dirty bomb? I’ll tell you this. Dirty is putting it nicely.

I just think, given the circumstances, torturing my baby is not only the right thing to do, but not torturing her would be tantamount to treason.

God, I am so TORN UP over this. I love my baby. But this is a DIRTY BOMB we’re talking about. I mean, don’t kid yourself. Picture the dirtiest thing you can imagine and times that by ten. Yeah. Welcome to my hell.

I just wish I could be sure that’s what she’s saying. It sounds more like “Ditty Baahhh” when she says it. Jesus, learn the fucking language you foreigner.

Okay, Andy. Think. THINK! What would Jack Bauer do?

Jack Bauer would have no choice. I mean, he would have no choice, but he would be so torn up over it. Like I am! God, now I know exactly what he goes through. He would say, “Believe me, I love you more than anything, but I am not going to let you destroy my freedom!” You’d be able to see the love in his eyes. And the conflict. Oh man, I just hope I can do it as good as he would.

Now where did I leave that vial of Agony Serum? Ellie Honey? Come here…

My suggestion: Democrats should start calling their opponents “Republican Americans.”

It has that same awkward political correctness of “African Americans.” And like that phrase, there’s absolutely nothing technically wrong with it. But used just the right way, it drips with the subtle condescension that says, “Hey, you’re Americans too, just like us, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Try it out:

“Last night we had dinner with a lovely Republican-American couple who moved in next door. They’re from Charleston, I think. Really nice couple. But their daughter looks half-Democratic, so we’ll have to get to the bottom of that one.”

“I asked them what’s their favorite Republican-American restaurant, and without hesitating, they both said, ‘Chick-fil-A.’”

“Newt Gingrich, a prominent Republican American and former congressman, was surprisingly critical of his own community after the 2006 mid-term elections.”

“Senator Kerry did his best to court the Republican-American vote, even staging a photo-op at a Chick-fil-A restaurant. But most Republican Americans remained skeptical, saying it smacked of pandering.”

“Most Republican Americans, when pressured, will candidly tell you that white-collar crime is not an American problem, but a Republican-American problem.”

“Police have few leads in the stock fraud case, but say the perpetrator was a Republican-American man, age 50 to 60, balding, of average height and weight. If you see a Republican-American man matching that description, you are encouraged to call the number on your screen.”

“Critics of the tax break say it unfairly benefits Republican Americans, for whom government assistance has become a way of life.”

“President Obama vetoed the earmark, saying ‘The best thing we can do for the Republican-American community is to stop reinforcing the soft prejudice of lowered expectations.’”

“He signed the veto while surrounded by a handpicked cadre of Republican-American supporters at a local Chick-fil-A restaurant.”