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What Would Jack Bauer Do?
February 16, 2007 | 11 Comments
Ok, I know this sounds crazy, but, what if I have reason to believe that my 18-month-old daughter has information about a so-called “dirty bomb” that is going to explode in a major U.S. city within the hour?
God, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but should I torture her?
At this point, I don’t even know if I can legally tell you why I suspect her. I mean, if I’m right about this, and she is in cahoots with the bad guys, I certainly don’t want to give them my “playbook,” so to speak.
I guess what I’ll tell you is there has been a lot of “chatter.” She has recently learned the word “dirty,” and she has been saying it all morning. She pronounces it with a strange accent which I can’t quite place. But her name is Eliana, which sounds Middle-Eastern to me.
So that’s kind of where we stand with this. Part of me thinks I have no choice. I have to torture her, right?
Or is that crazy? I mean, yes, of course it’s crazy. She is an American citizen, guaranteed certain protections and freedoms under the Constitution. But in a way, didn’t she give up those rights the moment she sided with those godless savages who want to destroy us?
God, this is not an easy one. Even now, I can hear some of you thinking, “But Andy, what if you’re wrong?” And believe me, no one wants that more than I do. But for the love of God, man, what if I’m RIGHT?
Do you want to explain to the tens of thousands of dead and wounded that, yes, we had the baby in our custody, and yes, she knew about the bomb, but no, we didn’t use EVERY TOOL available to get the information from her? Have you ever seen a dirty bomb? I’ll tell you this. Dirty is putting it nicely.
I just think, given the circumstances, torturing my baby is not only the right thing to do, but not torturing her would be tantamount to treason.
God, I am so TORN UP over this. I love my baby. But this is a DIRTY BOMB we’re talking about. I mean, don’t kid yourself. Picture the dirtiest thing you can imagine and times that by ten. Yeah. Welcome to my hell.
I just wish I could be sure that’s what she’s saying. It sounds more like “Ditty Baahhh” when she says it. Jesus, learn the fucking language you foreigner.
Okay, Andy. Think. THINK! What would Jack Bauer do?
Jack Bauer would have no choice. I mean, he would have no choice, but he would be so torn up over it. Like I am! God, now I know exactly what he goes through. He would say, “Believe me, I love you more than anything, but I am not going to let you destroy my freedom!” You’d be able to see the love in his eyes. And the conflict. Oh man, I just hope I can do it as good as he would.
Now where did I leave that vial of Agony Serum? Ellie Honey? Come here…
Comments
11 Comments so far
Let me be the first to say thank you for your willingness to protect American lives and our very freedom. I find your resolve to be almost Old Testement in its clarity. Can I suggest milk boarding as a starting point. If that fails then I suggest working on the mother in front of the child. Whips, riding crops, candle wax, clothes pins on the nipples, etc. Gee that takes me back. Say what you want about Pinochet but that man knew how to party.
Yes. You must always ask WWJD? What would Jack Bauer do. And, really now, we all know the answer to that question.
We live in the Golden Age of Satire, so much to ridicule, so little time.
I’m sticking you in my “Far Away Folks File”.
Since you did such fine work on that clip, I wanted you to see one of my better efforts :
http://web.mac.com/coloradobob1/iWeb/Site/Blog/Blog.html
Bob is right… and as a fan of satire I have to commend your offering to the gods of satirical commentary… BRAVO!!!
You just might like some of what my blogging partner and I do on our site. I hope you’ll visit: didwesaythatoutloud.blogspot.com/
Ethel of wotv
Try “Cause You Don’t Know Better” for starters…
As long as you can tell your terrorist supporting daughter, “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” you can do just about anything.
Andrew don’t you harm a single hair on that child’s head or I am going to send Mr. Windslow over there right now to give you a stern talking to.
What would Jack Bauer have done in 1994? The never aired 1994 pilot:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1788161/
What is wrong with you? GET THAT CHILD OUT OF THE US! SHE’S DANGEROUS!
I LOVE IT!! I am a total, complete, hopeless “24″ addict and I know, with every fiber of my being, that Jack Bauer assure you that you have no choice but to “torture” ( or “aggressively interrogate”) the terrorism suspect (or “toddler”) as the case may be. P.S. if you are out of Agony Serum, you can improvise by using a common electrical cord and house current. it worked nicely for Jack in the 3rd season when he was forced to conduct an impromptu torture
session on his girlfriend’s ex-husband in a hotel room.