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This is not a joke, just something that fell into my lap I must share. As far as I know it is a real, actual memo written by Howard Hughes at what appears to be the height of his OCD. Click on the memo to see the pdf. Here is the text:

OPERATING MEMORANDUM

Subject: Proper operating procedure for Bungalow 1 C Date October 13, 1958

There are certain areas within the Bungalow 1 C area that have been set aside by Johnny Holmes for the storage of my personal things. There are also other areas that have been set aside for future use by Johnny and his people. These designated areas, which Johnny will mark clearly or designate verbally to all concerned, should be avoided by everyone outside of Johnny’s area of operation. I do not want anybody, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, to touch these areas or go anywhere near them. I do not want anyone to touch the telephone that Johnny uses, nor any of his equipment that he has put away in storage in the Bungalow or any of my things there, or anything connected with my things.

It is extremely important to me that nobody ever, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter what pressures are put on, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, or any other area which is either used by Johnny or indicated by Johnny to be reserved by him for my things in connection with my food operation or any other phase of my operation that Johnny takes care of. I want to make sure that nobody opens any doors to any rooms, closets, cabinets, drawers or in any way, touches any portion of these areas.

I say again, no matter how strong the emergency may be, no matter how extreme the emergency may be, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, no matter how extreme the emergency, it is extremely important to me that nobody – nobody ever, ever goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, bathroom, which is either used by Johnny or indicated by Johnny to be reserved for him, or which is used to store any of the things used in connection with my food, magazines or anything that is used for me.

I say once more, no matter, no matter what the emergency, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances, it is extremely important to me; I say once more, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, no matter what may have arisen, it is extremely important to me that nobody ever goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, bathroom or any other area used to store any of the things which are for me – either food, equipment, magazines, paper supplies, Kleenex – no matter what. And, it is also extremely important to me that no matter what the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances, no matter what may have come up, no matter what kind of emergency, it is also equally important to me that nobody ever goes into any room or bathroom or any other area which Johnny has indicated is to be reserved to him only, and it is also equally important that nobody ever touches my telephone or piece of furniture or any fixture or anything of that kind which Johnny has indicated is reserved for him.

Instructions should be given for the operators so that they are not allowed to put calls through there into Johnny’s telephone – which is Bung. I C – so that nobody calls there. Sometimes it rings and the third man has to stall around getting through to the operator to have it switched. Something should be done so the other phone is the one that rings – do you have that kind of deal? I don’t want the third man using that phone, and when it rings it’s a temptation for him to pick it up.

I want you to get the third man on the phone and give him all these Instructions and be awfully, awfully sure when you are talking to him, be sure, be certain, be absolutely positive when you are talking to your third man today or any other time, be sure that he is not using Johnny’s phone, that he is not in a room reserved for Johnny and that he is not in a room used to store any of my things. This is awfully, awfully important to me. I want you to be sure, awfully sure, be certain, be positive that nobody goes into any room or cabinet or closet that is used to store any things in connection with my operation. This is equally important to me – it is equally important to me that nobody ever opens any door or opening to any room, cabinet or closet or anything used to store any of my things, even for one-thousandth of an inch for one-thousandth of a second. This applies even when he does not go in, you understand, even if the man does not enter, it is equally important to me that nobody ever opens the door or the drawer even for a fraction of an inch for a fraction of a second – any drawer, closet, or room, you understand – that is used to store any of my things, whether they be stored or just sitting there, because I don’t want the possibility of dust or insects or anything of that nature entering. I want every thing I have indicated here to be followed to the letter.

I want everything I have said here to be clearly gone over, reviewed, and repeated to everyone concerned. Maybe it ought to be written up – typewritten – and given to the men out in Bungalow 1 C. In fact, I think it not only should be written up and handed to them, but they should commit it to memory and repeat it back to you (Kay) so that you are convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have it down thoroughly.

Until further orders from me, I want nobody ever to set foot in that Bungalow (1 C) or any of those rooms we have anywhere near the Bungalow excepting only Johnny Holmes, and the two waiters – Karl and Charlie – and the number three men and Harvey. This instruction includes Roy, Harris and George.

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Comments

27 Comments so far

  1. Matthew Spizale on March 26, 2007 11:05 pm

    Oh I’m so glad you felt compelled to share this! I always have a good laugh when I find writings that are the product of a mind tormented by a misunderstood disease! Hopefully you can find the diary of a girl with an eating disorder and we can laugh at how fat she thinks she is!

  2. K.K. on March 28, 2007 12:10 pm

    I have a better idea. Let’s make fun of people who have names that sound like some kind of fermented urine beverage, like Spizale.

  3. David Rowlett on May 16, 2007 11:25 am

    Bungalow 1-C is where he kept the extraterrestrial bodies from Roswell. He was performing IMPORTANT EXPERIMENTS, you ignorant fools.

  4. Seán on May 23, 2007 9:59 am

    Where’s that fat chick diary at?
    It’s nice to know crazy ultra rich lunatics who killed many many people for obscene profits are protected by fellow piss drinkers.
    http://www.italymag.co.uk/2007/news-from-italy/current-affairs/italy-shocked-by-fifa-surprise-decision/

  5. Matthew Spizale on July 7, 2007 12:14 pm

    I had hoped that the sarcasm of my earlier comment would be obvious. Unlike, “K.K.” I think Sean must have noticed it as he seems to have caught on that I was actually criticizing the person who posted the Hughes memo.
    But did Hughes kill “many many people for obscene profits”? That’s the first I’m hearing of it. In any event, it’s the misunderstanding of OCD, not Hughes, that I’m really concerned about.

  6. K.K. on July 8, 2007 6:25 am

    Well it looks like I owe an apology to Matthew Spizale. “Spizale?” I’m sorry but I just feel like I have to make fun of a name like that. And then I feel bad about it and I wash my hands a bunch of times and that helps a little. But I just keep picturing what the bottle would look like. You know it would be yellow not green like a Heineken bottle. Heineken. Hinie Can. Where’s my soap……….

  7. Monk on August 1, 2007 8:59 am

    1 22 333 4444 55555 666666 7777777

  8. Anonymous on September 18, 2007 7:44 am

    Seems like a reasonable request. Stay out of Bungalow 1 C.

  9. Anonymous on October 5, 2007 7:55 am

    Johnny Holmes? Is this the same John Holmes http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001360/bio

  10. Clifford J. Irving on October 23, 2007 1:46 pm

    It was not 2 B.

  11. I read this and laughed and cried and then posted this comment on December 1, 2007 12:30 am

    Yeah you’re right Matthew Spizale, this is hilarious and sad at the same time. But mostly hilarious. So… I’m not to leave the bathroom in Bungalow 1 C unless I really really have to answer the phone?

  12. DealsTeeshy on January 6, 2009 11:56 am

    What is bumburbia?

  13. Rallie X on April 26, 2009 11:40 am

    Ughhhh this just makes the Aviator all the more creepy. That movie scared the crap out of me, mostly because just after watching it my grandma found out that she is Howard Hughes’ many-times removed relative…and she’s crazy, too.

  14. Bilber Roe on May 2, 2009 1:48 pm

    It all seems reasonable to me, but today we’d say “leave me alone.”

  15. Clem Spizale on May 25, 2009 5:06 pm

    I am utterly distressed to see the name of Spizale pilloried in such a wanton manner. I will have you know that for centuries all comments made by Spizales, have been ever so slightly off the mark so as to be unrecognisable as satire and have caused some degree of confusion to interested parties. It figures that you would not, true to form appreciate my irony, typical!

  16. Roy Spizale on August 18, 2009 7:52 pm

    Just so you know, Clem and Matt do not speak for all of us.

  17. Mike C on September 13, 2009 12:16 am

    okay, so correct me if I’m wrong here. But, if I understand you correctly, I think what you’re trying to say here is that we should stay away from bungalow 1-C?

  18. Matthew Spizale on October 17, 2009 1:19 am

    Ok. Some still don’t seem to get my sarcasm. If you take out the sarcasm, here’s what my initial comment is saying:
    “It’s a shame you felt compelled to share this. Writings that are the product of a mind tormented by a misunderstood disease shouldn’t be held up for ridicule. It’s just like you finding the diary of a girl with an eating disorder and posting it so people can laugh at how fat she thinks she is.”

  19. Andy Bobrow on October 17, 2009 9:24 pm

    Thank you for your heartfelt comment, Matthew. I must admit when I came across the memo I never considered that side of things. I only felt it was funny. But of course you’re right. The man suffered from a serious mental illness. And I’m sure it’s incredibly hard for the friends and family of people like Hughes. I should probably take it down, but I have to think on this a bit more. If nothing else, it’s given some people a chance to consider the serious side of this issue.

  20. Andy Bobrow on October 17, 2009 9:36 pm

    Ah, who am I kidding? I put it up to exploit a handicapped person, so I shouldn’t pretend I’m creating some noble “teachable moment.”

    But then again, any book or movie about Hughes is basically trading on the same fascination. People are curious about him because he was sick.

    So I don’t know where that leaves me. But I do know this is like the only post generating any traffic on this nearly dead blog. And I’m getting about $3 a month from Google Ads. Can’t turn that down.

  21. Howard Hugs on December 30, 2009 6:49 pm

    I say once more, no matter, no matter what the emergency, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances, it is extremely important to me; I say once more, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, no matter what may have arisen, it is extremely important to me that nobody ever posts this memo on any blog, website or other electronic or non-electronic form of communication.

  22. Jimmy Crack Corn on January 22, 2010 9:01 pm

    I’m sorry, but having read the Bartlett and Steele biography on Hughes, I have very little pity for him, insane or no. He ran RKO Pictures into the ground, he was less than transparent with his dealings concerning Trans-World Airlines, his Vegas investments were a joke, and he came close to bankruptcy while portions of his empire succeeded in spite of his and his cronies’ meddling (Hughes Electronics & Aircraft).

    Mr. Spizale seems to think his undiagnosed mental state leaves him untouchable and immune to ridicule. Bullshit.

    Hughes was crazier than a shithouse rat in every sense, and if he hadn’t driven away his friends and family while his “disease” was still manageable in his early life (before the germ and even stranger phobias and tics kicked in), he might have lead a much more normal life.

    Whether or not that was due to said mental illness, it really doesn’t matter. His life until he went into hiding was a classic example of narcissism and domination, and I’ll be damned if some anonymous Internet toad takes away my fun time of making fun of such an awful example of humanity.

  23. Thomas Morris on May 26, 2010 1:27 am

    my girlfriend gas an eating disorder called bulimia, she always throws up what she eats.;*`

  24. Libby Murray on July 19, 2010 6:25 pm

    i have a friend who has eating disorder, she was rehabilitated when she almost died.`~.

  25. Taylor Reid on October 11, 2010 3:41 am

    eating disorders can be very deadly, take a lot at Karen Carpenter’;;

  26. jamesy waimsey on January 7, 2012 11:39 pm

    He kept his porn in bungalow 1-C

  27. Noah Maheu on April 1, 2012 1:05 am

    Howard Hughes suffered extensive brain damage in 3 plane crashes. AFter one of these he invented the hospital bed that has eased the pain of millions of people. He spent his life on pain medicine and is considered the longest extreme pain survivor in history. In spite of this the endowment he left to the Howard Hughes Medical Institute is now worth approx 16 billion dollars. They are working on treatment of diseases that will have a permanent positive effect for all humanity. So think before you make fun of the poor guys undiagnosed OCD that caused many years of his life to be consumed with unimaginable horror and torment- everyone in the world will benefit from the brilliance that made him the richest man in the world. What will you leave when you die. BTW- stay out of Bungalow 1-C if the “Old Man” says to.

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